Just two days ago I said to J, "Let's just go. We're nothing but students. What threat are we?"
Then I heard about the additional expulsions. My reaction is sadness. I feel the door closing for now. I don't know that it is but it's closing for a lot of mature, long term folks. Where does this leave us, the new kids?
My dad asked me tonight in a chat, "What is God saying to you?" I teared up. The truth is I don't know. I feel quite lost and desperate for advice, wisdom, a plan. I take heart in knowing God is ultimately in control. Truly, this is most reassuring. I remember where we've been and how he's brought us this far and I do feel at ease.
But then I start trying to think about the 'what if's'. What if this is the Lord closing this door right now? Where should we go? Do we stay in France? Our company is merging with another larger organization we love. Perhaps we could work in the home office in mobilization? Should we just take a furlough for the fall and re-launch the first of next year?
I don't know where we fit. Our dear friends in country don't know if they'll be staying or kicked out. There seems to be no one with any real answers. So I'm floating in this transitional place while 8 months pregnant and ready to get some settling done.
Oh, and as I've mentioned before (I think) the temptation to feel like a failure is looming ominously in all this as well. I've had a picture and a destination in mind for so many years that I cannot honestly picture another. When I do I'm sad. It doesn't seem to satisfy. My heart is knit to this pursuit. Is that the Lord or is that idolatry masked as 'God's will'??
Please, if you have any word of wisdom, ideas, anything, please send them my way. And of course your prayers are powerful and needed.
oh megan. steven and i hurt for you guys right now and want you to know that we are definitely thinking and praying for you a lot. take heart, dear friend. the Lord has gone before you and is in control through the chaos. you know that youre one of my heroes in the faith, all our love!!
ReplyDeleteIf, in your heart of hearts, you believe what you're doing is God's will, then you're not failing. I think you guys already know this, but, if you're like me, it bears repeating =) Success in God's eyes often looks like failure to the world, right? (perhaps even the 'Christian world'...just saying) Bottom line, if you and J are one in spirit and on the same page w/God, then you're good.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think is so cool: You're clearly not up a creek without a paddle. God's totally been equipping you guys - financially, spiritually, linguistically, education/training, family-expansion-ly, etc. Of course, He can have us do great things w/nothing in our pockets, but even if these things don't lead to our own logical conclusion of what the next step should be, it will lead to God's conclusion- as a sovereign being- so it's going to be awesome to see what that is!
Of course, this in between isn't easy. I know (the last 3yrs!!). We, too, have some weird looking doors opening right now where we're going: um, ok, huh? hm. ok...not what we thought, but huh. Could be pretty darn cool! Curve balls.
Hang in there!! hugs!!
oh sister, my heart groans and weeps with yours. i've had my share of freaking out, myself, with graduation a month away and no clue about what's next, where i'll be living, what i'll be doing, or how i'll pay the bills.
ReplyDeletebut just this morning i was praying about it, and I felt like God was telling me, "you don't know the times and the seasons. I DO." for today, i can rest in that.
blessings, my friend.
Thanks so much dear friends. I do need to hear the same thing over and over. I love hearing it from friends who walk with us too. Thank you.
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