Panic and the Gospel

I have panic attacks. Or call them anxiety attacks. Whatever you want to call them I have dealt with them since I was 17 (I'll be 29 in April). They've morphed over time and the causes have also changed, but what hasn't changed is they haven't gone away. I've met with a number of counselors over the years and am a huge proponent of it. I also have seen my medical doctor who prescribes me a daily anti-depressant. Some years have been worse than others. This year has been an intense one.

I knew moving overseas would pose new and unknown problems for me. Panic is essentially rooted in fear and feeling out of control. How much more out of control can I feel than living cross-culturally? I didn't know what my anxiety would look like here. I had learned to manage in the States and even though I still had attacks, I knew how to handle them and how to recover, what my limits were, etc.

As a Christian, I have always wrestled with the will of God in all of this. Maybe I've sinned and this is causing my anxiety...maybe I haven't spent enough time in prayer and Bible study so now I'm losing it...I'm sure that God is not with me because this feels like the exact opposite of God...And always:

I AM A FAILURE.

I am a failure as a Christian to be precise.

My counsel has all reassured me that I am NOT a failure. That this is something else. So, I 'know' that's not true, but I 'feel' much different most of the time.

Now I'm in cross-cultural service. The stakes are higher. The exposure and expectations have increased. The 'uncontrollables' have also increased. This is the Olympics of service.

I've had panic attacks here. I think the biggest problem has been not having the restful space to recover in. We have zero privacy here. I also have very little control at times, especially with a two year old. He's learning independence which can translate into safety issues (ex. running into the street, going down stairs without help). He's too big for me to handle myself and I'm 22 weeks pregnant which limits my ability to protect him.

We also live in constant transition which is the epitome of no control. Our lifestyle requires us to be flexible with plans, people, cultural differences, limits that are totally out of our hands.

So I've been desperate. Weeping, depressed, grieving, lost. I don't know what my limits are in this context. Am I asking too much of myself to live like this? Or do I need to just learn to 'suck it up' in my new context? It's a lot of emotional work thinking through these things.

We leave for a trip tomorrow that will take us to our future home. We are hoping to see medical clinics and doctors with whom we might give birth, see language schools that we may enroll in, see an apartment that we may rent, talk about education of our children in this new place, stay and meet new people, all in the midst of a new language and a new culture. It's a big trip to say the least.

In preparation for this trip, we (Justin and I) have been praying together each night. I find that praying out loud with someone helps me get out of my own head and pour out the realities of my thoughts and fears to the Lord as well as my best friend. I've also written a list of my fears for this trip and countered them with Bible verses so that I might remember the truth in the midst of an overwhelming moment of anxiety.

I've been a believer since I was 11 years old. I've spent most of my life in some kind of Christian leadership role. I've graduated from seminary. Therefore, sometimes I view certain Bible verses or passages as so familiar that they don't have anything more to say to me. Or, they are so familiar that I know the truth of them already. I should be looking in other places since what I already 'know' isn't sufficient enough (apparently).

So, as I looked at Psalm 121 I was moved to tears by the power it possesses.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

And, the mother of all familiar passages, Jeremiah 29:11-14a

¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you..."

I was struck by the power of the familiar! This has led Justin and I to rediscovering the Gospel. In the book, A Gospel Primer for Christians, Milton Vincent is guiding old Christians back to the Gospel. The book is made up of three parts; the first part is short meditations on what the Gospel means for us as believers, the second is a written prose of the Gospel, and the third is in poetry form. Each night Justin and I have been reading these meditations and praying together to return our hearts to the Savior and His Gospel message. The Gospel is the building in which all other doctrines or statements of faith are housed. If I am not fully entrenched in the truth of the Gospel then the other things will have no power. It's important, as Vincent says, to preach the Gospel to ourselves and out of our love of the Gospel will flow the ministry God has called us to.

I've realized that I need to become familiar again with the basic truths of the Gospel. This will help me as I battle the fears and anxieties of my life. I think I had let go of the truth in this area of my life because it hasn't seemed to 'work' before. But maybe that's because I was expecting it to work like a magic lamp: memorize the Scripture, pray a lot, then POOF! no anxiety! Like magic! I don't think that's what God is teaching me here. He's teaching me that no matter what the Truth never changes. Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil (another basic-Psalm 23). I might just camp out in that valley, be there for some time (i.e., anxiety), but in the midst of it I can trust in God. He is my help, my keeper, my rest, my hope, my savior.

I hope to learn this someday. I hope that it won't be so much work to remember the Truth in the midst of chaos. I know it won't happen overnight, but I am hopeful on the journey.

I hope that my anxiety encounters the Gospel afresh and with hope and power.

I apologize for the length. It's a tough thing to write about and this is shorter than it could be! I'd love to hear from you if you've had similar experiences or have questions. I'm quite the open book.